Leaving Home to Get Closer: My Five Years from Xinyang to Shanghai

My name is Xu Yan. I was born in 1989 and come from Xinyang, Henan Province. I have an associate's degree. There are six people in my family, including my two children: a boy and a girl. In 2019, I left my hometown to work in Shanghai. At that time, I felt that my children were growing up, the household expenses were increasing, and our financial situation back home wasn’t great. I wanted to come to a big city to earn more money and give my family a better life.

When I first arrived, it was really hard to adjust. I had been staying at home for eight years after graduation, and compared to life back in my hometown, the pace in Shanghai was way too fast. I felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable, almost stifled. But over the past five years, I’ve slowly gotten used to it.

Now, I work as a live-in nanny. I take care of children and handle household chores according to my employer’s instructions. That, too, takes some getting used to. At home, you can do things your own way, but in someone else’s home, you can’t just do as you please. When conflicts arise, I first try to reflect on whether the issue is on my end. If it is, I make corrections quickly and adjust my mindset, because otherwise it really affects my job. If I truly feel I’m not at fault, I try to communicate with the client in a timely way and resolve the issue together. These days, most people are well-mannered and open to communication.

Personally, I haven’t experienced discrimination in Shanghai, but one of my fellow townspeople did. She told me about how an elderly person in her employer’s home constantly used offensive language, which made her feel insulted. I told her to speak up and communicate with them. If the elder was doing it on purpose, then she had every right to quit.

For women who are thinking about coming out to work, my advice is to first get your mindset right. That’s the most important thing. Once you’ve decided to leave home, you need to set a goal and know exactly what you’re coming for. Is it to earn money? Something else? Once you’ve got that goal in place, you can choose the kind of work you want to do. Before coming, I had already arranged for a place to stay: that’s a very practical concern. Next, decide what kind of job you want and line it up in advance. Having a clear goal helps you settle into work faster. For me, a friend from my hometown had already found me a job before I arrived.

Living in clients’ homes, the food is certainly different from what I am used to. People in Shanghai generally prefer lighter flavors, while back home we eat heavier, oilier, and saltier food. At first, I didn’t like it and ate very little. Over time, though, my taste adapted.

Coming to Shanghai has changed me personally and professionally. In my hometown, boarding school tuition is quite expensive. A job back home might require two to three months of work just to pay for one semester. But in Shanghai, I can earn that amount in just half a month. I used to think earning two or three thousand yuan a month was a lot, enough to buy gifts for the whole family. But in Shanghai, I realized that wasn’t much at all. There’s a much bigger world out there, with more opportunities and better jobs. Many of them I never imagined I could try, but now I know I can.

My views on parenting have also changed. Back home, if our kids were slow doing homework or didn’t do it properly, we’d yell or even hit them. But after working in this field, I’ve learned there are better ways, like reasoning with them or taking them outside to cool off and avoid direct conflict. It’s important to process our own negative emotions first.

However, working in Shanghai has also affected my relationship with my children. My daughter used to be very close to me and would tell me everything. Since I’ve been away, she talks much less. If I ask if she misses me, she says she does, but I can feel the distance. My son, on the other hand, is always eager to share. Once he told me, “Mom, do you know how late my sister stayed up catching up on homework?” Hearing things like that makes me feel they still want to connect. Sometimes I write letters and send them to my husband to read to the kids. I video call whenever I can, and I always tell them I’m working in Shanghai to give them a better life and that one day, I’ll come home and stay with them.

I miss my children terribly. When the longing gets strong, I video call them, look at their pictures, or watch old videos. I often feel guilty for being away, and to make up for the lost time, I try to fulfill their every request, even the unreasonable ones. I just can’t help myself.

I think Shanghai is a great city with a lot of opportunities. I’ve enrolled my kids in art classes, dance classes, calligraphy lessons, and basketball training. I tell them, “I’m not asking you to turn these into careers. I just hope you each have a skill or interest, something you can talk about with others when you grow up.”

- Xu Yan

Shanghai, China

Selin｜Content curator

Eason｜Editor

孙逸铭｜Translator