Monologue of a Gay Teenager

I’m just an ordinary high-school boy in Chengdu. The first time I realized I liked guys, it didn’t feel earth-shattering but more like a quiet, natural discovery. If anything felt unnatural, it was the occasional flash of worry about how I’d one day talk to my parents about it.

Online, misunderstandings and stereotypes about LGBTQ people are everywhere. Take my hometown: because we’re in Sichuan, people see a Chengdu IP address and instantly think “gay.” Two straight guys standing together? Someone will still joke that they’re a couple. Or they assume every gay man is effeminate, which isn’t true. Liking men doesn’t mean I think I’m a woman; it just means I like men.

I don’t believe my orientation is the result of any traumatic experience. Some things are innate; others can change. For me, being gay feels hard-wired from birth.

Coming to terms with myself was relatively easy: maybe because I’ve always had a laid-back attitude and never felt different. Still, there are times I hide it. When I enter a new environment, I don’t treat being gay as shameful, but I don’t announce it either. Until I know people, I’d rather blend in.

When I do open up, it’s usually to friends I’ve chosen carefully. They’re good people, or at least not homophobic. My rule is that I may not understand everything, but I will respect it and not judge. Most of my friends share that mindset. Older generations, though, can be conservative; around my parents, I rein myself in. I’ll tell them someday, just not yet.

Accepting myself has lifted a weight. After embracing something that many people still reject, I’ve become more open-minded. Outside of clear moral lines, I try to accept all kinds of people; the world is wonderfully diverse. If I took every remark seriously, I’d burn out, so I let small things slide. I’ve been attacked for my orientation, but I refuse to waste energy on people with no decency.

My ideal society? One where sexual minorities are seen as ordinary. No more special interviews or studies on homosexuality; no need to campaign for my parents’ approval. I know that’s far off. Each generation grows more open, yet self-acceptance will always matter more than anyone else’s.

- Anonymous

Chengdu, China

Vicky｜Content curator

Gabriel｜Editor

戴盈盈｜Translator