They shine in my depressed heart

“My dream was just to eat enough and sleep well at the beginning”

My name is Fang Yuhe, and I am a high school student in my third year. I was diagnosed with depression in 2024. Before the diagnosis, I always prioritized my studies, pushing myself to learn without considering my own psychological needs. I feel there is not much difference in my condition before and after taking medication; it feels like I am exhausting my physical health every day.

I don’t have dreams. I have been searching for the answer to this question, which seems too distant. My current expectations are simply to sleep well and eat enough. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, one should first meet the most basic requirements, such as eating well, sleeping well, and staying warm. Yet, even these are difficult for me, making the so-called grand dreams even harder to achieve.

Listening to music is the most effective way for me to alleviate my condition during this illness. I choose soothing and peaceful instrumental music, which makes me feel reassured, like a sleeping pill. It allows me to consciously avoid thinking about my worries and just quietly listen to the music. "Pure Imagination" and "Take Me Somewhere" have the most potent medicinal effects. Although there is no particularly positive impact, at least things don't get worse.

On my journey to recovery, I rely more on myself. In this fast-paced society, everyone has their own responsibilities; no one is obligated to stop for my emotional issues. However, some people have helped me. One of my senior schoolmates, Du Guanxi, has always seen the bright spots in me amidst all the negativity since we first met. Throughout my recovery, whether in studies or life, he has played a great and positive role, guiding me to become better. For example, Du would remind me that sleeping pills have side effects and should not be taken frequently. Under his influence, I went from taking them three times a week to not taking them at all for three months.

A teacher at our school also helps me; she is very friendly and gentle with every student and teaches very well, which I really appreciate. Once, when I was supposed to participate in an event at the sports day and felt very anxious, afraid of letting my class and my teacher down and being ridiculed by other students. After I shared my concerns with her, she did not criticize me for my apprehension but instead praised my sense of responsibility and promised to cheer for me on the day of the sports event. Although I did not achieve an outstanding result in the competition, she still cheered for me with the loudest voice. After the competition, I felt physically unwell. My eyes were filled with blood, my face was flushed, and I had no strength left in my body, as if I would faint at any moment. She helped me to the nurse’s office and carefully instructed me on what to pay attention to. I felt very warm; her care turned into a comforting presence in my heart during the cold late autumn season.

- Fang Yuhe

China

杜冠锡｜Content curator

Rosabel｜Editor

戴盈盈｜Translator